there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
