There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
