Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
