My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
