My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize