It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
