Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
