3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
