Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
