I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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