What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dick very happy bro
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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