I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
