I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
