no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
