Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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