I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
