i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
