I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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