I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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