in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
