If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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