I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
