Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
