Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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