did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
