Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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