You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
