Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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