I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
