He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
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I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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