New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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