You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
