did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
