She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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