You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
