did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
