guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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