Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
