The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
