I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
