I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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