I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
