dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
