I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
