I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
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I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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