I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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