He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
