I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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