She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
