Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
