I faked an abortion last night.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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