What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
