I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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