just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We had sex on a dog bed..
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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