you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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