I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
