Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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