I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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