Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
