Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We just shotgunned beers for America
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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