I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
