chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
