I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
