Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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