You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
