so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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