I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
3 2 1 whiskey
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
