listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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