My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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