I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
